I read many newspapers every day. I read tons of articles every day (ok- maybe only 100 pounds, but you get the idea). Many of them all describe how tough life is, how folks get stuck in patterns from their parents. If the father was an abuser, so will be the child. If the mother was cold, so will be the child. I think NOT! We all have a choice. It is not an easy one- but one we must make- and remake, every day.
I thought about this tonight, as, yet again, the airlines conspired to make my travels worthy of a novel. (On the way out, I was delayed almost 12 hours for a 71 minute travel time. (I want to thank Thrifty Car Rental for going above and beyond- they asked their driver to stay on overtime- and wait for me- hours after they closed so I could pick up my car and be on my way. That’s customer service!) On the way back, I was delayed more than 3 hours for the same required time.) Plenty of time to think.
Was I dismayed? Yes, but only because I used to love flying- but now, the airlines have no loyalty to their customers, the government acts without thought (please take off your shoes and your belts, please remove all paper and coins and objects from your pockets) as if they are really protecting us, the traveling public. But, I digress.
I went to Michigan to help my child (my youngest) take possession of his first apartment. No, we did not buy any furniture- he had some and the bulk of the house came furnished. I came, instead, to help him meet his religious obligations, to kosher his kitchen. Clean the counters, the refrigerator, the shelves, burn off remaining material from the stove and the oven. He had no idea what that really required.
I was thrilled to help him (I coached, he did the work), to have him learn what that means so the rest of his life he can do it unaided. We shopped for items he would need. We went on his first food shopping expedition. I explained what worked and what didn’t. How to buy food and subdivide it by meals so that coming home after work or school, a meal is enjoyable and not a chore. We cooked his first meal together.
I provided him with my recipes- which can be searched by ingredient, by time of preparation, by ease of preparation, and by major ingredient. And, on the way home, with my second set of delays, I reconsidered my weekend. I recognized that no one ever did that for me. No one told me what to buy, what to cook, how to prepare my abode. But, I also remembered that I made a vow while growing up that I would never treat my children the way I was treated. I wanted them to know they were the most important gift our Supreme Being can ever provide us. And, that they mean the world to me.
I recognize that parents CAN break the chain of their inheritance. Moreover, we MUST provide our children with a sound foundation- regardless of what was provided us. So they may make this world a better place themselves, to insure that subsequent generations can, indeed, perfect the world. You should know that to “kasher” means to prepare for proper function. Regardless of your religion, is this not the desire we all have for our children. So, how will you help your children- or grandchildren- today?
You are a dedicated Dad-sharing knowledge for life’s framework and foundations. You gave direction and instilled confidence in your son’s abilities to survive in his new surroundings. I love the statement that we need to make and remake each day, showing someone that we have to adjust life to the way we want and need to be is important- everyday!
Thanks for your comments, Veronica!
We do need to insure each day that we care- and we want to help (not do!)…
Roy
Roy,
Great post. I’m not a parent, but as a child I swore I would never do some of the things that my parents did while I was growing up. I fell short here and there, but where it really mattered and where I stuck to my guns I succeeded. I am not destined to follow in their footsteps or missteps as the case may be.
I applaud you for showing your son these examples of a good parent.
Jamez
Hello Roy,
My mother is a very negative person and is hiding inside herself. (No self worth, no self esteem, contanting worrying about what others are thinking of her) I too followed in those footsteps until I hit a point in my life where I had had enough and was not going to live that way. It wasn’t easy, but it was so worth it.
I have tried every day of my children’s lives to help them not be that way. I haven’t succeeded with my oldest, but I continue to work on it every time I am with her or talking to her. My middle child is fine in that category and the youngest is still bashful. So, we’ll see how that turns out!!
My point here is that you are right. We have the power to change things in life that we don’t want to follow through to the next generation.
Thanks for a great post,
Tammy
Tammy Matthews recently posted..If You’re Talking Behind My Back You’re Leaving Other People Alone
Tammy, thanks for your comments. And, especially for the affirmation that there is no reason why we can’t break the cycle if we try!
I am sure your children are very lucky and gain the benefit of your special care.
Thanks for dropping in.
Roy
Hello Roy, excellent points in your posting. Kids do need a solid foundation and we must provide that for them so that they can grow up to be productive adults. Sorry about your long airline delays, I hear this has been happening to a lot of people. Kudos to Thrifty Car Rentals for their customer service : )
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Thanks for dropping in Karla- and thanks for your comments.
I really wasn’t going to post this column today (I have a long queue), but I wanted to provide the information about Thrifty in a timely fashion!
And, yes- we need to insure our children have the foundations that will afford them ability to withstand the tornadoes, hurricanes, and sunny days of their lives.
Roy
Great post, Roy! It is truly great to hear your story about what happened when you decided to be there for your son. I also agree with you about the nature of choice. I know that my grandfather lived to be 76 and he never consumed alcohol in his life, while one of his younger brothers was a serious alcoholic. I am reminded of the story of the teetotaler and the abusive alcoholic who were both the sons of an alcoholic. Both had the same dad, and when I asked why they turned out the way they did, each son said, “with a dad like mine, how else could I turn out?” Or, to quote the great Albus Dumbledore, “It is not our abilities, but our choices, that determine who we are.”
Thank you for bringing those points home, Steve! You are absolutely right – and I am unsure how Albus Dumbledore got to be great (I never heard of him prior to this- oh, my, a JKR fan), I love the quote!
Please stop in often. The wise owl shall provide intellectual sustenance.
Roy
I am always so enlightened every time I come to read your posts. I don’t have children of my own so I haven’t thought about how to raise them, but when I see my parents, I totally value what they helped me with. My father always wanted to read so much more as a child but missed out due to various reasons; and I still remember how he “forced” us into book fairs and libraries and stocked our shelves with books from across the globe and I still “blame” him for making me such a bookworm!
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Hajra:
So glad your parents gave you the right models to emulate. And, without having kids, you are NOT absolved. It’s your job to help your friends and associates be all they can be.
No slouches allowed!!!
Thanks for your comments.
Roy
You’re absolutely right, Roy. Excuses keep us stuck in victim mode. No matter what the situation, we do have a choice of how to view it and respond to it. They key is realizing that we can choose our attitude in any circumstance. I love the story you shared. It brought tears to my eyes. Your children are blessed to have you as their parent, just as you’re blessed to have them as your children.
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Thanks for amplifying the concept, Leanne!
And, I got the better part of the deal!
Roy
Great post.
I’m not parents yet but I understand your conficence.You do every thing to your child and You don’t require anything from them because you give them life and your love and I think that they can understand you and love you
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Thank you for your comments, Rosemary! Yes, we need to develop healthy, adjusted children so they can grow to take their place in this world.
Glad you liked it! Come back often.
Roy
Great post Roy!
The title could not be more eloquent. It is so easy to blame others for our complications and so difficult to acknowledge that we do have a choice. Even when we agree with the idea, we must remind ourselves every day that it really is up to us.
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Thanks, Gustavo. It IS up to us, as you say. And, that means we can’t pass the buck, either.
Have a wonderful weekend.
Roy
Roy,
The time spent with your son and the valuable skills you taught him will be remembered by both of you for years to come.
It is TOO easy for people to blame their parents for their actions when we all know there is a choice everyone can make to be who and what they want to be.
Love reading your posts.
Monna
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Absolutely, Monna!
We all want to be perfect and have someone else to blame; but, as we mature, we realize that responsibility is not something that can be easily dislodged.
Thanks for your comments- and your repeated visits.
Roy
Wow! This took a long time to work up to the queue! So sorry that it’s been 6 years!
And, now, that it IS six years later and he is an adult, living on his own, employed in a professional position, I can vouch that he did learn and grow amazingly.
thanks, Monna!
Hi Roy,
This reminds me of the proverb, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. ” Someday, your son will remember where he learned these things and will pass it on to his children as well. Isn’t education the best inheritance that parents can give to their children? and its not just about college degrees… 🙂
Ah, Calli, one of my favorite proverbs. Thanks for reminding me of its utility. And, thank you also for visiting.
Please do both often. It’s your interactions that “seal the deal” and help everyone get the salient points of a post.
Roy